AHS: Asylum Big Full Season Review... Or... Something

If you're here then you better seen this season, otherwise: prepare yourself for  MAJOR SPOILERS! (you've been warned). Oh, who am I kidding?! If you haven't seen it, then you didn't miss much...

So. Murchuk did dissapointed me a little -just cuz I don't really wanna write the phrase "dissapointed me a lot" next to the word "Murchuk". Wait. I just did. Oh, well, anyways: "American Horror Story: Asylum", no. Just. No.

It started well. It started freaky, and scary and mental...

Episode 1 ("Welcome To Briarcliff"):

Adam Levine's arm ripped-off scene is amazing. It is amazing in the first episode as it is when we see it from Bloody Face's eyes on the very last one. Jessica Lange as Sister Jude was also amazing (at all times, of course). Evan Peters played Kit Walker really cute and nobel; but aliens? Seriously? I mean: in this episode you see nothing from the aliens so you can still think it's all in Kit's head and, he is nine kinds of crazy, and butchered his very-non-white-nor-black secret wife. Chloë Sevigny's character, Shelley is another delight in this episode, in my opinion. And well: we all love Lily Rabe playing the very innocent Sister Mary Eunice. Lana "Banana" Winters, on the other hand, even though is played wonderfully by Sarah Paulson, I didn't like. She is a kind of paparazzi type reporter. Not a real reporter in my opinion. She doesn't want to tell people the way the world is. She just wants to be famous or recognized for something. Another highlight was James Cromwell's character Dr. "oh-everybody-knows-I'm-a-fucking-Nazi" Arden. Brilliant. Anywho: first episode: I forgive everything.

When the first episode finished, nontheless, the first thing coming out my mouth was: "where the fuck is my Zac Quinto?!"

Episode 2 ("Tricks And Treats"):

Highlights: Devon Graye playing a very, very possed Jed. Amazing. I'm telling ya, a-fucking-mazing. Zac Quinto playing Doctor with Kit. Really cute with his glasses and all ♥. He plays Dr. Thredson, an outsider from Briarcliff Doc who was called in to diagnose Kit Walker = psychopath? Or just a criminal? Moving on: Sis Mary Eunice got possed by Jed's devil... demon... whatever... yeaaaah! Finaly we get to see some real insanity here.

Or so I thought. Wondering what the fuck happened to mutilated Levine and his fiction wife Mrs. Channing Tatum?

Episode 3 ("Nor'east"):

Okay: three psychos copy-catting (if such term can be used) a serial killer. Hello. It's been seen before: we all remember episode 2 from season one "Home Invasion". R. Franklin copy-cats? Three seriously disturbed kids with a lot of time to waste? It was brilliant there. It was a little weak in "Asylum". At least they kept Evan Peters dressed at all times in this episode. I'm not complaining. I'm not saying I don't love to see him bare-chested; but I was a little sick of seing him butt-naked. Word. It was starting to get old. So our four "heroes" -sorts of speak- (Lana, Grace, Shelley, and Kit) try to escape Briarcliff. Shelley has to stay behind to create some distraction, as a decoy... kinda. So, Lana, Grace, and Kit make it out of the asylum, but they stumble with some of Dr. A's creations and... well... they run back in. Which I would've never, but if they'd ran the other way then there's no "AHS: Asylum". So they run back into Briarcliff and since Sister Jude is drunk as Barney Gumble didn't even realized they were soaking wet from outside's rain. BTW: Pepper's missing from this episode on and no one seems to care. Oh, well. Shit like that can happen. Besides she had seen the incredibly out-of-place aliens, so, everything is understandable. Moving on: Sis M. Eunice kills someone in this episode: amazingness. Dr. Arden goes all Constance against the poor Virgin Mary Statue (playing Tate in this scenario) who didn't do anything to him, but whatever, I really liked that scene. Oh, and he also fucking chopped Shelley's fucking legs off.

"Ok...!", you think: "Dr. Arden plays rough!". Well, don't worry, you'll be dissapointed in a couple of episodes.

Episode 4 ("I Am Anne Frank (Part 1)"):

So, she wasn't really Anne Frank, but she was right: Dr. Arden was a fucking Nazi. He was. She also finds out about Shelley being all butchered in Dr. A's personal lab. Big, big episode ending. Also, in this episode, we get to see Dr. Thredson trying to "cure" Lana from her lesbianism (is that even a word? I hope not, cuz it is not a disease or a condition), which is... very "Clockwork Orange"-ish, if I may say. Kit and Grace have sex in the kitched -very hygenic, guys- and he gets her pregnant. Way to go, Kit! Like a champ! Not. We find out Monsignor Timothy Howard (played by Joseph Fiennes) is a bad, bad person, and it's very aware of what Dr. Arden is scheming; he too kinda plays a part in it and everything. Very wicked.

So, by the end of this episode you're like: "I wanna see more of this fake Anne Frank! She's a godforsaken action figure!", and yeap she is...

Episode 5 ("I Am Anne Frank (Part 2)"):

... at least until she gets fucking lobotomized by Dr. A!!! Well, that sucked. Let's talk about the tit-lamp for a moment: I hated the fact that Dr. Thredson was Bloody Face. I mean: Zac Quinto played nuts just fine, he's awesome. But... really? You pick Dr. Thredson to be your serial killer when you've got Dr. Nazi on the scene? I thought that was just ridiculous. Also: he can get any woman he wants to kidnap, but he chooses the lesbian crazy reporter. Come on! On another note: loved fake Anne Frank flashbacks; real cute. Back into the story: aliens again. Please stop it. Stop it forever. Highlight: Ms. Lange killed it with that monologue near the end of the episode. Just brilliant.

And now you think: "AHS: Asylum" cannot get any worse. Well: it can.

Episode 6 ("The Origins Of Monstrosity"):

I thought the little psycho scary girl would bring AHS back, but the story kinda went "Piggy, Piggy" turned bad. They introduced her, and she was supposed to play all cute and innocent, but anyone could tell she was a crazy motherfucker, so... not very impresive for me. Sister Jude confirms Dr. A is a former Nazi, so she starts an -as it seems- endless battle that will end up very lame. We get to know more about how Oliver Thredson became Bloody Face: not interesting at all. Kit is sent to prison. Awkward turn of events. Highlight: Sister M. Eunice dumps butchered Shelley... on a school playground. My. Hero. Then Timothy smothers her to death in a hospital. Well, someone's going to Hell.

By know, the only thing I look up to see every week is Sister Mary Eunice. Well, possesed Sister M. Eunice.

Episode 7 ("Dark Cousin"):

Freaking finaly a good character! Here she comes to save the day! ♪ Here comes Frances Conroy impersonating the Angel Of Death. Very delightful. Best thing since episode 1. So, in this ungrateful episode, we get to see Kit escaping custody, just to watch him go back inside the asylum: I mean, come on! Come-fucking-on! Then we realize that Sister Jude didn't really hit-&-run that little kid back in the days, so she's still amazing and not a killer. Good for her. I actually liked that turn of events, it was really nice to see that Judy can shine some light on her past once and for all. Also: Lana escapes Thredson and she ends up back in Briarcliff. Also: really awkward turn of events.

I'm about to let this go, and not watch "AHS: Asylum" anymore, but I give it another shot. It's a Christmas episode.

Episode 8 ("Unholy Night"):

The title just ruins it for me. So. Very. Predictable. But I gotta give it to them: the tree decorated with hospital shit was pretty cool. I thought the crazy -obssesed with Christmas- patient played by actor extraordinaire Ian McShane was a weak character. And he should've totally killed Timothy right away. But, whatever, it's just my opinion-. Kit is dozed up the whole episode and Dr. Thredson comes back to Briarcliff to take Lana home... again. Just fucking kill her already! I can't stand her...

I don't even know why the fuck I keep watching AHS anymore...

Episode 9 ("The Coat Hanger"):

Boring. Boring. Boring. Dr. A kills Kit to make the aliens come back to Earth? Just fucking quit it with the aliens! It sucks! And then he brings him back to life. And the aliens didn't even touch Arden. Seriously? I mean: if you're gonna go and say that the aliens want Kit for something, that he's way too important for them, then if someone kills the fuck out of him, the least you can do is make the aliens kind of avenge Kit's temporary death and then bring him to life. This whole Dr. A killing Kit and bringing him back to life was very stupid and didn't explain anything to me. Highlight: Lana and Kit make a tape Dr. Thredson confessing he's Bloody Face; also: Judy Martin broke the "Dominique" disc. I. Love. You. I couldn't care less about the modern Bloody Face. Also: Lana's fucking pregnant with Dr. Thredson's child and she tries to make herlsef an abortion poking her womb with a coat hanger-. How both the baby and her survived that? No one knows.

By the end of this episode I'm thinking: "Why. The. Fuck. Sister. Jude. Is. Not. The. Queen. Of. The. Asylum. Anymore. What. Were. They. Thinking?"

Episode 10 ("The Name Game")

Oh, screw the storyline! THE NAME GAME SONG WAS AMAZING! I loved it from begining to end. The rest of the episode. Meh. But the performance. Everything was so perfect. I loved it. Sister M. Eunice "rapes" Timothy. Yeah, like he couldn't do anything about it. Well, it's not like he wasn't going to Hell anyways. Speaking of Timothy and Sis M Eunice... he throws her off the stair case and kills her along with the demon. Not like that can really happen, but whatever, AHS makes its own rules for everything. I mean: everybody knows that even if you kill the meat suit, the demon can live in it as long as it wants to. Hello?! Basic demon possession knoledge. Anyways: I looked passed this cuz there were lamest things to watch. Like the fact that Dr. A murdered himself when he cremated Sis M. E.'s body. Very stupid and pussy from him. I hated that. I think they ruined the character.

I decided not to watch anymore, but then... well, hello. There're only three episodes left. It'd be stupid not to watch them.
Episode 11 ("Spilt Milk"):

Ok. THIS. Let's talk about Lana shooting the brains out of Dr. T's skull. That was awesome. Freaking awesome. I can't believe she waited that much, I would've blown his eyes off when he walked in, but... give it up for Lana Banana, peeps, cuz she turned out to be a fucking badass! I love her now! Not. I'm not even talking about the ho breast-feeding John (Dylan McDermott). It was truly disgusting. It was past disgusting, it was... EW! I'M TALKING ABOUT IT! Gotta say: this episode's scenes of Kit reminded me of how much I love Evan. I mean: when Kit held his baby for the first time and his eyes started to tear up... so.damn.cute. He's an amazing actor. Also, we all know Kit's the good boy, but the way he manipulated Timothy into getting Grace out of Briarcliff was brilliant! I loved it! But, yeah: aliens again. What. The. Fuck. Also: what's up with Alma being alive?

Two episodes to go, so what the heck...?

Episode 12 ("Continuum"):

So, Lana got out of Briarcliff and she wrote a book. She wrote a book and became famous before she even tried to shut down the asylum as she said she would. What a bitch. I hate her. Kit living with both Alma AND Grace and both kids. Mmm. Not cool. Sister Jude going completely mad. Didn't like it either. More Modern Bloody Face story. I doooon't caaaareeee!!! Not interesting.

And that's about it. I don't have any more expectations of the aliens being in Kit's head. I just want this bad season series to end.

Episode 13 ("Madness Ends"):

Ok. First of all: madness ended like 7 episodes ago. B. I would've killed for "American Horror Story" (season 1) to have 13 episodes. It would've been awesome. Anyways: this episode was way too happy for me. Not crazy, awkward, kinda creepy, happy like season 1. More like Disney® happy. Kit got what he wanted. Ok, yeah, Alma killed the fuck outta Grace with an axe and then she died in Briarcliff, but he was happy with both his kids. And he got Judy out of the asylum and his alien/godforsaken kids took her to the woods and cured her from being completely nuts. And they lived happily ever after until Jude died from brain cancer (I particulary loved the scene where the Angel Of Death takes Judy with her) and Kit from loung cancer or something. He even got to get re-married. Come on! If that's not Disney® material, what is? I'd like to point out that is physically impossible to fill the tub up with your own blood cutting your wrists like that; I mean: with your arms outside the tub, gravity and the arm angle wouldn't allow the fluid to go that way. FACT! Just saying... Also Lana got everything she wanted and I hated every single bit of it. She killed her own non-genetically-possible-blue-eyed son with a shot in the head when HE was there to kill HER! Also: I didn't understand what that last scene meant. The one from episode 1. Did it mean that Lana Banana is capable of anything regarding of the process as long as she gets what she wants? Or did it mean that Sister Jude never commited her into Briarcliff and she made everything up and that's why she never tried to shut the asylum down? So, the Modern Bloody Face was just a crazy psycho who thought he was Dr. Thredson's son? And she killed him cuz... who knows?! I don't know. It's not clear. It's not well explained. The finale was very vague and honestly: it didn't gave much insight into the basic storyline. It. Was. Just. Not. Good.

So, sorry if you actually liked the season. But for me: it was crappy from beginning to end. Mostly end.

xo-

~ if you're listening to this... you are the resistance ~