while listening to “The End.” by As It Is, i couldn’t help but to think of Chester and how many times he described feelings of suicide and depression in his lyrics (mostly in the early years), and how ‘nobody is listening.’ which, by the way, Chester said so himself in Nobody’s Listening.

but i also realized that the first time i was exposed to Hybrid Theory, i was ten years old. as a child, i didn’t understand the meaning of the lyrics. Even if now, at 29, when i listen to them, his cry for help is clear as day. also, i didn’t quite understand English yet. so, there’s that.

it wasn’t until five or seven years later when i started understanding the language, like, actually understanding. but still, i wasn’t aware of the meaning behind his words. and i’d know and sing all the lyrics to all the songs. i guess my brain wasn’t ready to process those kind of thoughts yet.

i hadn’t been exposed to suicide, or depression, or any other kind of mental illness.

it wasn’t until very recently, around the time i turned 23, when it finally clicked, and i understood what he was going through when he wrote those lyrics. only i didn’t get that he was still going through it.

it angries me that i didn’t see how “One More Light” was his suicide letter. or at least that’s how it feels to me. i can’t even begin to understand how it must feel to the people actually close to him. well, we had a little bit of an insight with Post Traumatic, but still.

i guess what i’m trying to say is ‘sorry’? sorry because i didn’t understand exactly how much one of my favorite people in the whole world was suffering, even if i couldn’t do anything to help him.

i’m sorry Chester, i’m so sorry. i hope you know i’d loved you since i was ten years old, just as much as i love you now, and as much as i’ll love you forever.

~talk's a waste of time~