i’m feeling like shit at the moment

so, here’s a list of things that are wrong/hurt me in my life right now:

*i hate my career (and by association my life).

*i’m not sure i even want to finish it (i’m almost at the end, i owe 8 finals and my thesis defense. trust me, it’s almost the end. but i fucking hate it so fucking much).

*i’m scared of quitting because i fear my mom is gonna hate me if i do.

*i don’t have a job.

*i’m still hurt about falling out with someone i considered to be one of my best friends.

*i really, really like a friend who’s never gonna like me romantically and it physically hurts to even think about him but at the same time i kinda wanna spend every second of the day with him (does that make sense?).

*Dan Howell’s “Trying To Live My Truth”. it’s like fucking “Daniel and Depression” all over again. like, he seems so nonchalant about serious shit, like it’s so simple to just gather your stuff up and leave. no, you little fucker! i can’t just wake up one day and be like “you know what? i’m dropping everything, see you on the flipside!”. fuck. fuck off, Howell. FUCK RIGHT OFF.

anyways. that’s me today. any happy upbeat feeling i had from Crabby <3 coming back to YouTube has fucking gone to shit. fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck.

maybe in time i’ll be OK about Dan’s video. but today- right now... i fucking hate his fucking first world white male privileged ass. hate it. like, bitch, you don’t know what you’re doing with your life? you make YouTube videos for a living, give me a break. man up and suck it up, that’s the life you chose. no one’s truly happy, for fucks sake. happiness does not exists, get off my face.

UGH! i hate everything right now! i wish i could just disappear.

*UPDATE*

i mean, i love this kid. he’s smart, articulated and well spoken, but he has such bad timing for his videos... in relation to me... which he has no control over whatsoever and definitely doesn’t do it on purpose. what am i on about? oh, yeah, i love him. i respect him. so much. but every time he has some sort of psychological issue going on, by the time he’s at peace with it and chooses to release a video about it, i’m in the middle of my own shit storm and his video just destroys the fuck out of me. like, every.single.fucking.time. goddamnit, Dan.

~talk’s a waste of time~